Story Archives 2007

by Tiny

OPINON: I’m not sure why the new movie, The Pursuit of Happyness, starring Will Smith and his son, Jaden Smith, based on the life of previously homeless Chris Gardner’s rise to millionaire, is so hard to write about. I’m rarely at a loss for words, especially about poverty, homelessness and racism. Perhaps, it’s because this movie made me so sad that even as I try for the 40th time to write this, my eyes well up with broken tears. Not tears for the amazing Horatio Alger, old school, pre-New Deal, up-by-the-bootstraps, 1930s-esque, blind-to-flagrant-racism-classism story.

No, instead my tears are deep and blood-filled for myself and my mama, homeless in broken-down car for years upon years on the bitter cold streets of Oakland; for fellow poverty scholars and formerly homeless welfare queens and POOR Magazine staff members; for Jewnbug and her mama, Vivien and Jasmine Hain, Laure McElroy and her son, and all the other unseen children, adults and elders who subsist homeless in America barely holding on through countless overnight stays in the sidewalk hotel. Tears for the fact that homelessness can happen with the regularity that it does, that every year Sister Bernie Galvin from Witness for Homeless People mourns the loss of hundreds more people who have died on the streets of San Francisco, one of the richest cities in the world.

Or, perhaps they are only tears for Gardner, a poor man of African descent, who was so driven to "make it" in this capitalist reality that he didn’t see the tragic paradox of his own situation- his continual denial of the rampant racism in his Dean Witter internship. Tears for a man who came so close to not making it in that palace of oppression, as he and his son slept on the floor of a bus station bathroom.

Or maybe they’re just tears for the myth of the bootstraps and how there is no place for that lie in the 21st century as more and more people locally and globally hover on the dangerous precipice of homelessness, wrongly believing it’s just about working hard enough and anyone can achieve what they want.

Or maybe they’re tears of admiration- for an amazing dedicated father who no matter what was there for his son, like so many of us poor mamas and papas.

Or maybe the tears are because Gardener, when asked on a radio show if he believed that there was an essential problem with him and his son being homeless in one of the richest cities of the world, replied with a resounding no: it was just about working harder, and anyone can achieve anything they set out to do.

Or maybe they are in fact tears for my son, who watched his mama cry from depression and the reality that no matter how hard you pull up your threadbare bootstraps and pound the pavement and pinch pennies and beg your landlord and stand in food lines and look for jobs and affordable child care, you still won’t make it.

Tiny, also known as Lisa Gray, is the author of the new book Criminal of Poverty: Growing Up Homeless in America, published by City Lights Foundation, and the founder of POOR Magazine

by tiny

Homeless mothers
and poor mothers

Low-wage mothers
and no-wage mothers

Welfare mothers

And three job working mothers

Immigrant mothers

And incarcerated mothers

In other words

This poem is honor of

INS-ed with,

CPS-ed withed and

Most of all

System-messed with

mothers

This poem is honor
of all those poor
women and men

And yes

I said men

Cause don’t sing
me that old song

About gender again

Who fight and struggle

And steal and beg

In every crevasse

And corner

to keep their kids in a bed

Who dress and feed

with tired hands

Who answer cries

over and over again

This poem is in honor of all those Mothers

who deserve to be coddled

And loved

Fed and protected

Instead of criminalized,

Marginalized

and rarely respected

Who can barely make it but always do

And still raise all the worlds' people

Like me

you

and you

Can I get a witness?

This poem is honor of mothers

Who can barely make it

But sometimes do…

And still raise all the worlds' people

Like me

you

and you

by tiny

‘Maaaaaaaaaaa Maaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!" my stroller-bound 12 month old baby and I were walking up the sheer cliff of the Hyde Street hill. As I strained my almost-broken thumbs caused by too much diaper-changing struggles to hold on to the last appendages of my hell-ghetto, broke-down stroller, my son began wailing and flailing his arms and legs for no apparent reason.

He had just eaten, been changed and had his nap. In other words, I had done everything I could to make him happy and healthy, but on his journey from the Tenderloin to the wealthy area of Nob Hill where the supermarket lived where I was able to get his lactose-free milk with my WIC check- his unspecified crying almost caused me to lose it. I am not sure what that would have looked like or what I would have actually done, but I was completely overwrought, immobilized, and every time he screamed my overtired, not properly fed or housed body would quake with a lethal mixture of public humiliation and fear for my son’s safety.

Several of these frightening moments of poverty-stricken, homeless motherhood and temporary insanity flooded into my brain when I heard about the mother who threw her babies off Pier 7 in San Francisco. La-shuan Ternice Harris, 23, mother of three small children, had had a lot of those moments in her young life- moments, that no matter how great of a mother you are, can drive you to utter insanity. La-shuan had a few more elements to add to that already precarious position, including homelessness and the fact that she was suffering from serious postpartum psychosis, which is rarely properly recognized or treated as a mental illness that specifically impacts women.

I also spoke with PAMPAM Gaddies, from SF Peacemakers, who added that there is a dire need for culturally competent mental health assessment created for black people suffering from mental illness.

"Why does that matter?" my City College media teacher pointedly asked me when I complained that neither her homelessness nor her diagnosis were mentioned in the "above the fold" first day coverage of the story by the San Francisco Chronicle (even though that information was available at press time). To which I could only repeat to him in utter desperation, "I guess you just don’t understand."

As the details of La-shuan’s family’s intervention come out, people are quick to blame them or the authorities, including Child Protective Services to gain more power over mothers who are mentally disabled. This isn’t the answer any more than any other to criminalize low-income people is. In fact, in my opinion the only "answer" lies in changing the conditions that exist for poor parents in this society- providing real access to housing, childcare and preventative mental health services, the way other privileged Western societies, such as Canada and most of western Europe do. That way more of us won’t get so close to losing our sanity, our resources, and our children.

"Poor mothers of color never get access to preventative mental health services," explained Mesha Monge-Irizarry, director of the Idriss Stelly Foundation.

After an extreme struggle, I, as a working poor mother, finally received a child care subsidy that allowed me a little more time to think and then seek more work hours, which helped my family stabilize economically. But I will never forget that proximity to the terror of almost not making it. And I only made it because I resist western society’s criminalization of poor mothers and corporate media definitions of what it is to be poor and homeless…and a mother.

Tiny aka Lisa Gray-Garcia is the coeditor of POOR Magazine and POORNewsNetwork.

by Lisa Gray-Garcia

It was dark and I was cold. The wind whipped through the holes in my pants. I could barely see the phone in my hand. The chill was starting to get to me. It had been 24 days since the PG&E worker lumbered into the lobby of our apartment building carrying his globe-size Orewellian time clock and asking everyone in a voice that reached up six flights of stairs and out through the fire escape, "Where is apartment 5? I’m here to turn off the utilities for nonpayment."

I considered pretending not to be home, hoping that would delay the inevitable. Instead I chose a direct desperate please. I ran downstairs to the foyer, motioned furtively to the PG&E man, trying not to look at the crowd of neighbors that had gathered.

"So Miss Gray-Garcia, are you prepared to pay your bill or should I proceed with the shut-off?" he asked.

"But we asked for a five day extension- my little sister is sick. We can’t be without heat. Aren’t’ you a public utility?" He stared at me and pronounced very loudly, "We are a business, not a social service."

Thirteen calls to advocacy agencies elicited two refrains: "We have no more funding for utility subsidies" or "You are no longer eligible- you already applied once,"

That was last year. I worked but was still barely able to afford utility bills.

Now I am scared. I am still very low-income. And, as I watch my utility bill skyrocket even higher, I wonder how I and my fellow low-income residents in the Bay Area will be able to pay these rates. Many of us will not be able to afford the luxury of heat and light. Many of us will be forced to decide between food and a warm shower or light to read by.

I have listened to corporate spokesmen try to offer a rationale for this energy situation in California. They intone, "Conserve, conserve, conserve." Poor people have always conserved. We share bath water and limit our showers to 45 seconds. We turn off the heat and warm our hands over the stove. We buy blanket after shabby blanket. That is not the answer.

Consumer groups such as Global Exchange and TURN, the Utility Reform Network, have offered the only light (no pun intended) at the end of the tunnel. One of their possible solutions is to re-regulate. Another is for folks to demand that their cities follow the lead of Palo Alto and Alameda, municipalities that own their utilities and operate independently of PG&E. And finally, consumers might "strike" and pay their utility bills based on old rates.

I’m not sure what I and other poor people should do, faced with this energy crisis. Everything including our daily survival will be difficult. Will we sit shivering in our apartments, dreaming of a home-cooked meal- or maybe just a cold glass of milk?

Lisa Gray-Garcia is the co-editor of POOR Magazine

by tiny

"Another quarter please." The bus driver was glaring at me and my seventeen-month-old son as I fumbled for an additional quarter. My fingers clawed their way into the dark recesses of my backpack. Brushes, crumpled receipts, paper clips, pens and old address books intertwined with new addresses books, erasers, old watch bands and…oh, ahhh, could it be true? A quarter? Clutching the sliver of metal, my fingers climbed back up through a hidden passage of Mt. Backpack. But, alas, it was just a nickel. "Would a nickel be ok? It’s all I have right now," I plead.

"No it’s $1.25; you can get off at the next stop."

Since I started school in January, I’ve been taking Muni more than usual, and a bus pass was too rich for my meager, working poor single parent budget, so every week I begged, borrowed, or stole my way onto San Francisco’s main transportation system. Until now.

The Municipal Transportation Authority is proposing a rate hike to $1.50 a ride to offset its $24 million budget deficit. This fare increase would make it impossible for very-low-income folks like me to ride the bus at all. And considering that we make up the majority of bus riders, I have to ask: Who is the MTA targeting for these rate hikes?

Yes, it’s true that in San Francisco, conscious, privileged people with homes and high-paying jobs ride the bus because they want to- after all, it’s better for the environment—but so do poor immigrants, fixed income elders, youths, poor workers, and disabled and houseless folks. We all have different reasons, but we all ride.

"All services are hurting because of California’s budget," was MTA’s statement about the 2003 Muni rate hike from $1 to $1.25. at that time Muni cited the fact that the system needed to offset a then- $55 million deficit.

Of course, all public services in California are facing budget deficits—but let’s take a moment to connect the dots, or rather, the corporate welfare recipients. We could start with Enron, which stole all of California’s surplus with its fake energy crisis, and the Governator, who didn’t go after Enron for that stolen revenue (he also owns energy stocks) and who decided owners of expensive cars, like his Hummer needed to pay less taxes, which took a major local revenue source away from desperately needy city budgets.

Coporate-esque MTA board members like Ted Tedesco, previously with American Airlines, and bank executive Thomas O’Byrant are voting against their own best interests when they make public transportation increasingly costly for poor workers. Cheap transportation enables the urban/suburban apartheid they rely on to get through their daily lives. If it weren’t for cheap public transit, the poor service workers like maids and dishwashers couldn’t get from the poor areas of the city to the wealthy neighborhoods across town, where people like those MTA board members reside.

Last week a new coalition representing some of the poorest citizens of San Francisco presented its own "Platform for Transit Justice" to the MTA, declaring public transportation to be a human right.

The coalition believes that as a transit-first city, San Francisco should encourage use of public transit instead of cars and proposes a variety of revenue-raising measures that would eliminate the deficit.

As the Muni bus doors close on me and my son with an extra whumph, I consider illicitly entering through the backdoor of the next bus without paying the fare. Then I remember when they hiked the rates in 2003, they also jacked up the issuing of tickets to people trying to ride without paying the fare—criminalizing the poor while targeting the poor. Without options, I gather our stuff and we begin the long walk home.

Tiny is an editor at POOR Magazine.

by tiny

It was a warm night

the kind that drips
with pain

It was a warm night
filled with whispers
and screams

you can peel that
kind of night away
with your fingernails -

you can cry into
that kind of night
and no-one will hear you

it was a warm night
filled with you ...

you were depressed
they say-

I’ve been depressed like that-

so depressed that
only hollywood can fix it

they say you said
“i’m gonna die tonite”- -

i’ve said that
many times..many times

poverty, conflict, confusion, and distress-
it drips too...

onto our collective foreheads...

when we’re trying to think

it fogs our minds -

“I just need to finish school - -everything will be ok -
I can get through this... but I
can’t” –

I heard your silent screams

I heard you being tired of feeling that pain

and I heard it whispered in the halls of that gentrified palace

that palace of mirrored

glass and the blood of a thousand of poor elders
who once lived on that earth - who

died trying to stay there.

I heard you through all that burgundy carpet,
popcorn and glass-

I heard you - cause I’ve been there..

I am there...

and I don’t know you but I do cause I know that kind
of pain - I know that kind of conflict-

but poverty and conflict don’t carry guns-

confusion and distress don’t shoot you

8 Big men who are hired to gentrify us out of
theatres and concerts, houses and
neighborhoods. .who are paid to not understand –

8 men who have the blood of
other men on their hands and

the agenda of other men in their pockets-

these people shoot us and take away our life and our
breath and our thoughts and our

laughs and our time and our pain

and take it away...

... forever-

by Angela Pena/Voces de Inmigrantes en Resistencia Reportera

For English scroll down.

El alcalde no les abrio la puerta a los nino's!

Una marcha dirigida por nino's trato de reunirse con el alcalde Newsom- El no abrio la puerta.

"Ciento que el Sr. Alcalde no nos escucha�, dijo Katia de 10 a�os, una ni�a que lucha contra la falta de vivienda en San Francisco, con su familia mientras se encontraba parada enfrente de la oficina del alcalde Gavin Newsom el jueves 10 de mayo del 2007. Ella toco: ella grito, canto y espero. Y aunque esper� con 35 otras personas y ni�os que tienen necesidad de vivienda para dialogar con el alcalde sobre la situacion de viviendas y soluciones a la falta de viviendas y no abrio la puerta.

�Quiero ver a Newsom� declaro Jobani, de 10, mientras se encontraba afuera de la oficina de Gavin Newsom, �Lo unico que queremos es viviendas�.

El 3 de abril del 2007, la Coalicion de Desamparados, pidio a Newsom que reconociera la necesidad de viviendas para familias de bajo recursos. El 10 de mayo del 2007 la Coalicion regreso- esta ves, el grupo fue dirigido por ni�os, ni�os de familias Latinas, Afro-Americanas, Blancas y Asiatiocas que estan en busqueda de vivienda justa.

Las familias mandaron un llamado a la ciudad para que realmente implemente la polisa de �Vivienda Primero Para Familias Desemparadas� que eliminaria el proceso de espera y de vivienda transicional, que es requerido para familias que buscan vivienda. Las demandas incluyen crear viviendas acesibles para familias desamparadas y pone un limite a la cantidad de tiempo que una familia deve de esperar para recivir una vivienda. Un reporte de la ciudad del 2002 encontro que familias esperan un promedio de 3 a 5 meses para espacios en refugios y cuatro a�os para recivir vivienda de seccion 8.

Mientras esperabamos afuera de la oficina del alcalde, los oficiales de seguridad se asomaban para ver si nos habiamos marchado. Como inmigrante y reportera con Prensa POBRE, estoy presente para reportar y apoyar la accion y me impresiona ver como se re�nen tantas familias desamparadas con ni�os que sobreviven las condiciones de vivienda en esta ciudad.

En el 2004, durante la conferencia del alcalde sobre desamparados, que se expuso que el gropo y numero de ni�os desamparados esta incrementando en San Francisco y que estan en riesgo de tener problemas de corto y largo plaso. Estabamos alli demandando un alto al impacto negativo que tiene al ser desamparados estos ni�os y sus familias; la solucion es viviendas estables y permanentes.

Nuestra primera bienvenida nos fue dada por el Sherif que nos informo que no podiamos tener pancartartas y r�tulos por que estorbavan una gran alfombra roja que se habia puesto para una fiesta de lujo en la alcaldia. Esto sucedio mientras nos reuniamos en las gradas de la alcaldia.

Platique con unas de las madres y abuelas que se encontraban presentes como Silvia Rivas que me dijo, �Estamos aqui por que queremos viviendas y ya no queremos vivir en albergues y hoteles�

�Queremos un hogar donde podramos vivir mejor. Tenemos ocho meses peleando y ya hemos venido como unas quince veces pero no nos dan una bienvenida,� dijo Maria de Rodriguez.

Tambien platique con Angela, una organizadora representante de las familias Asiaticas, �Estamos apoyando esta accion por que estamos en la misma situacion; muchas personas viven en un solo cuarto�

�Newsom, reunete con los ni�os� decian los peque�os con sus familias mientras marchaban por la alcaldia, pidiendo justicia. ��Que queremos?�, gritaban las madres de familia mientras otros contestaban, �Viviendas�.

Despues de unos minutos el Sheriff se acerco a nosotros y nos dijo que nos mantenieramos silencio ya molestamos el trabajo del la alcaldia.

Unas de las madres tocaron la puerta del alcalde denuevo mientras los ni�os expresaban lo que sentian. Leslie, que tiene siete a�os nos dijo que �Si el quisiera los ni�os saldr�a a hablar con nosotros�

El Sheriff se acerco con los adultos y a intimidar a los ni�os con su precencia. No conformes con esto, les piden que desalojen la Alcald�a, los presentes caminamos por los pasillos diciendo le al Sr. Alcalde que recibiera los ni�os. Newsome no salio, aunque sabiamos que estaba en su oficina no sedio cinco minutos para los ni�os.

La respuesta dada a esta situaci�n fue algo incre�ble, alguien incendio la alarma de fuego para poder sacar a todos los presentes y seguridad hizo su trabajo, sacando a todas las personas. Lo extra�� es que las personas que preparaban la fiesta se quedaron trabajando. As� evadieron que la protesta efectuada y el Sr. Alcalde nunca salio de su oficina.

Angela Pe�a es una intellectual de pobresa, estudiante y reportera con la clase Voces de Inmigrantes en Resistencia, Projecto de Prensa POBRE.

Article in English

�I feel that the mayor does not listen to us, � Katia, 10, a child struggling with homelessness who is living in San Francisco with her family said as she stood in front of Mayor Gavin Newsom�s office on Thursday, May 10th. She knocked. She chanted and she waited. And although she stood with over 35 other homeless and poor children and families who had gathered on this day to speak with the mayor about housing and solutions to homelessness, he did not open the door.

�I want to see Newsom,� Jobani, 10, declared as he stood outside San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom�s office, �All we want is housing.�

On April 3rd, 2007 the Coalition on Homelessness asked Newsom to recognize the dire need for housing for low income families. On May 10th, 2007, they were back � this time led by the children, children from Latino, Black, White and Asian families who only want some justice, housing justice.

They were calling on the City to truly implement a �Housing First for Homeless Families� Policy, eliminating the �readiness process,� such as waiting periods and transitional housing, that is now often required for families seeking housing. Their requests included creating more real affordable housing for homeless families and putting a limit on the amount of time a family must wait for housing. A report by the City in 2002 found that on average families wait 3-5 months for space in a fulltime shelter and 4 years for Section 8 housing.

As we stood outside the mayor�s office, while his security officer peeked out from time to time to see if we had left yet. I, as an inmigrante reportera with POOR Magazine, present to re-port and sup-port on the action was shocked to see the amount of families with children that are struggling with housing and homelessness in the City.

In 2004 at the Mayor�s conference on homelessness, it was found that homeless children are the fastest growing segment of the homeless population in San Francisco and that they are at risk for numerous short and long term problems. We were there to demand an end to the negative impact of homelessness on these children and their families; the solution is stable, permanent housing.

Our first welcome as we gathered on the steps of City Hall was by the Sheriff�s who told us we couldn�t hold our banner because it got in the way of a large red carpet they had laid down for a fancy party they had planned for that night at City Hall

I spoke with some of the mothers and grandmothers present such as Silvia Rivas, �We are here because we want housing because we do not want to live in shelters and hotels,�

�We want a home where we can live better. We have eight months of fighting and we have come here fifteen times but we are not welcomed,� said Maria de Rodriguez,

I also spoke to Angela an organizer representing the Asian families present, �We are supporting this protest because we are in the same situation; many people live in one room.�

�Newsom, meet with the kids� The children and families marched in City Hall calling out for justice �What do we want?� yelled the mothers while others responded, �Housing�.

After several more minutes the Sheriff came up to us and told us to be quiet- that we were disturbing the �business� in the building.

Some of the mothers knocked on the Mayor�s door again while the children expressed their feelings to us. Leslie who is seven told us that �If he likes children he will come out to talk to us�.

The Sheriff came close to the adults and intimidated the children with his presence. Not satisfied with this, they ask us to leave city hall, those of us who are there walk through the halls calling out �Meet with the children�. Newsom did not come out, he was in his office, he did not have five minutes for the children.

The response to the situation was a bit incredible, someone turned on the fire alarm so that everyone would leave the premises. The people who were setting up for the party stayed inside working. The Mayor stayed inside his office.

Angela Pena is a poverty scholar and student -reporter with Voices of Immigrant Resistance Project at POOR Magazine.

by Joseph Bolden

Spanish Inquisition, Again?

Remember Monty Python Flying Circus skits about the Spanish Inquisition?

Their doing their bits and at some point out of nowhere dramatic music then dressed in historic costumes they announce "No One Ever Expects The Spanish Inquisition."

KQED’s 4pt. Show on The Spanish Inquisition is a testament to how much vice there is in so called redemption.

When one’s beliefs are so narrow minded that nothing penetrates.

from the suffering of separated families, jealousy,and death plus plundering of coveted lands by greed using religious fever as contest to confiscate valuable lands.

All for the sake of saving souls.

Recently The Honorable Reverend Jerry Falwell died May 15, 2007.

I won’t dwell on his legacy that’s for greater minds to phantom.

What I’ll say as a Roman Catholic raised in the religion is because of him and others Ronald Reagan was elected President and Reagan placed a ten year moratorium on Biotechnology.

Another current Born Again Christian slows the science of Therapeutic Stem Cell science because of his personal belief system it’s the same with his (Yes, His) Middle East War.

The guy doesn’t bend, reflect,or expand his thinking process about what damage he and his cronies continue to do.

What I’m getting at truth is already a casualty of this war and ideas to use diplomatic means is seen as a sign of weakness.

What the Spanish Inquisition and today’s Fundamentalist stranglehold on Government has is the cutting off of dialog, questions,ideas,and that is what lead Europe into The Dark Ages of an Church Control.

One must remember all the horny priests,nuns, women,and men,in those time when being monk,brother, nun, or of any holy order literally conferred the power of life and death over individuals.

Though the morals of priest’s are questioned lightly it was no contest Jews,Islam, Buddhist,and other religions were seen as less than or no religion at all and people’s of those faiths as others were routinely tortured,burned, at the stake even if one finally confessed to whatever they were accused of most were still killed to cleansed their souls.

Women, especially because of the awesome power of giving birth were constantly seen as an evil, wicked,profane presence.

Being either strikingly pretty, beautiful,and or having full figures is a near death sentence for those refusing to lay with monks, priests,or high ranked officials.

Those that did some still paid with torture and or their lives because of guilt some of those higher ups had.

Imagine beautiful women, devastatingly handsome men because of lust of mainly men or a few wealthy had to pay others projected lusts.

Not too far removed from Slave days when blaming the victims for seemingly animalistic qualities when master or mistress forced their desire on a people condemned to labor and bred to continue enforced labor.

When they are forced to reproduce,from strangers to incest unknown to those separated from birth on the whim of masters then blamed for the condition was always the hidden hypocrisy of that peculiar institution who’s legacy follows this nation to this day.

Now most if not all of us understand the separation of Church and State so leader such as one we have now cannot tie religious belief to politics or make policy from it.

See what has happened the religious right wants one way of thinking, living, as long as it their way there is no problem.

The country is secular not a monastic monastery of religious rules.

It may have worked for Middle East in their history but its not ours it also means we don’t invade nations under flags of truce,protection and in the guise depopulate them in the guise of freedom and democracy.

It’s a mockery of America stands for.

I don’t trust church, state,governments, municipalities,and few people all have erred as I have sometimes but that does not mean one cannot learn and do better from lessons learned.

Didn’t the world learn anything from The Spanish Inquisition?

Are really heading from gray,to dark yet again brought on by a new set of Inquisitors?

Lets not repeat His/Herstory and keep all of us free of religious intolerance.

The only people who know how to defeat the Evangelical Religious Right or so Moral Majority are the religious folk knowing psychologically devastating religious dogma can be if not stopped,turned around and countered with the truth and not use for gaining political power and changing laws into repressive dogmatic codes.

That’s my opinon.

Guess I’ll go in church and pray on it.

by Joseph Bolden

Ugly Guy,A Life.

I’ve been reading articles on the web about men,women,attraction mysteries of beauty and ugly.

I’d consider myself a good looking black male if not for a glaring detail of a lazy left eye that wasn’t corrected by age four (kept peeking) out of the flesh colored patch in ruined any chance for good sight in both eyes.

Now my vision is fused the best that can be done is an operation to permanently straighten the left eye.

I’ve played sports from hockey, to base/basketball, football.

Hockey,is particularly terrifying.

In my youth a yellow plastic puck flew hitting me in the left eye hard!

I tried to block the shot but missed the force lifted me off my feet.

I learned what depth perception meant,I had none.

From High School through college there has been cruelty because the flaw like I’m a hideous creature from a cave,
a group of young women actually took time crossing streets if I was too close behind them I only noticed them when they did that after a while I began to cross before them they seemed ugly to me!

Only a few times have women when I was in school said behind my back "he’s cute" in a loud enough whisper for me to hear.

Maybe I wasn’t a complete frog.

Imagine people who had Elephant Man disease, from wars with missing limbs, or scarred faces but my problem could’ve been prevented theirs weren’t.

Wondering the country, meeting people,sex from strangers told me that I’m an ugly guy and more than that.

It’s a good thing that in my lonely times between schools in New York, Berkeley and Oakland now San Francisco read lots of Playboy,Oui,Hustler, Penthouse,player's,Gent,Gem,Ms. Magazine,and Cosmo.

Those pictures, articles,and anything pertaining to sexually pleasing women included did give me some perspective.

When a few mature women took pity on me all I did was listen, learn, and given repeated lessons improved.

But now I knew my body (me) was desired loved. Maybe family wasn’t for me so every women, young girl wasn’t a conquest but people to learn from, listened to sometimes I didn’t.

Yes,did feel like a stud but not in positive ways I began feeling like a secondary, substitute, stand-in for women who are just horny and need to sexing up.

Skip a few years, false careers starts and I’m houseless in San Francisco.

Platonic love was bewildering to me.

A woman friend, emotionally tied, but not physically?

It took time because I got beaten up by girls, bullied into kissing them. Being small, skinny, guy only later did older women become instructive lovers.

Not psychologically healthy feeling to know your exercise but at least… while I’m with them they are what!

I concentrate on. Seeing, not having women feels like prison but I won’t be around women well not to many without cash on hand.

Lets just say because I’m straight I like women but also being creative there are other outlets besides porn.

It isn’t real or alive as real women are.

I have a healthy respect.

I’ve trolled web sites in different personas but its not the same as face to face dates.

All that can be said is ugly or not women do look deeper than skin and I’ve benefited immensely.
So called ugly or regular guys be yourself, stay neat clean, have other interests, and though women do tease we men don’t know what their thinking most of the time just remember most women like guys the ones who don’t think about ‘em concentrate on the ones who do and mainly listen, learn, repeat.

As for platonic relationships they’re tricky but my advice is do not collect too many of ‘em.

My rule of thumb is: if you have 10 female platonic friends it’s way too many!

2 or 4 platonic which leaves 8 or 6 lovers it’s a better balance for men and who knows one or more of those platonic relationships may change suddenly.

One never knows what’s in women’s mind even if we ask we may not get answers wanted but are to be.

Its from many smart, patient,good,kind,sexy, sensual girls,and lovely mature women that beauty and ugliness is fluid.

All guys must think a bit before saying or doing things that turn women off.

I’ve made my errors of judgements and so have a few women about me.

I’ve learned that contradictions are to be lived with not understood.

by Lola Bean/Race, Poverty and Media Justice Intern at POOR Magazine

"You're a thief!" The words came crashing down the staircase and slammed against a poverty scholar at the Roxie Theater. The large man with the wild dreadlocks and warm, buttery voice at the bottom of the stairwell had been sitting two seats over from me in the front row of "A Dialogue on the Criminalization of Poverty." Taken aback by the force of these words ringing through the air of the lobby, my eyes traveled up the stairwell to see who could have possibly hurled these words through the air of the lobby after the event we had just experienced. A young man with a crisp dark shirt, lily clean skin, and indignant down turned eyes looked down at this gentle giant and took aim, "You are stealing! You have to pay for that!"

I arrived at the Roxie at 16th and Valencia just before the 7pm dialogue began. I approached the ticket booth of the Roxie and told the ticket taker, a sandy-haired man with thick black-rimmed glasses, that I was with POOR Magazine and I was looking for my folks. He told me that the event was 3 doors down and pointed up 16th street. I made my way up the street and through the front door. The lobby was bustling and the tables were lined with books and informational packets. To the left I saw Laure McElroy, a welfareQueen and Poverty Scholar at POOR Magazine. She was standing in behind a counter right near the entrance where cans of soda were balanced. My tongue was cotton and the drinks were a welcome sight. I picked up a can and Laure said, "I think you have to pay for those, but I'm not sure." I asked her if any Roxie employees were nearby, but we didn't see any. I put the drink down discouraged and made my way inside the theater.

The evening was opened by the welfareQUEENS, a revolutionary group of mamaz struggling with poverty, welfare, racism and disability creating art with the goal of resisting and reclaiming the racist and classist mythologies about poverty and the criminalization of poor people in America. They performed their respective and collective stories. A poem posted in large print made clear their purpose:

This poem is in honor of

Homeless Mothers and Poor mothers,

Low wage mothers and no wage mothers

welfare mothers and THREE job working mothers

in other words INS-ed with

CPS-ed with

and most of all System messed with

Mothers

who fight and struggle and steal and beg in every crevasse and corner to keep their
kids in a bed....

Tiny, aka, Lisa Gray-Garcia at-risk mama of Tiburcio, daughter of Dee and co-founder of POOR Magazine set the tone for the discussion. In a clear and penetrating voice, she cut the silence in the auditorium with her scholarship and her story of survival. Tiny spoke her truth and described, "When we hear those hygiene metaphors we need to be conscious that the human beings who are being �cleaned up� and �cleaned out� are people of color, poor, homeless, youth, elders, someone functioning with a substance abuse problem, living with a mental illness or other disability, living in a car, migrant day laborers, etc. Or they could be people whose work is not recognized as work, such as panhandlers, street newspaper vendors, recyclers, and/or workfare workers. These people, if they happen to be dwelling, sitting, sleeping, and/or working or soliciting work in a neighborhood that�s undergoing gentrification/redevelopment, will be targeted for harassment, abuse, arrest, and eventually incarceration." Tiny knows. She was incarcerated for crimes of poverty, has a PhD. in poverty from the school of hard-knocks, and speaks with the unapologetic force that accompanies true scholarship.

I was there to learn from Tiny, Leroy, the welfareQUEENS and all of the folks engaged in the daily struggle against the criminalization of every day life. As an abuse and poverty scholar at POOR Magazine, I was also there to report on the discussion. In addition to Tiny and Leroy, Renee Saucedo from La Raza Centro Legal, Juan Prada from the Coalition on Homelessness, Dr James Garrett a founding member of the Black Students Union, San Francisco Public Defender Jeff Adachi and Ross Mirakarimi were all present to share their thoughts and solutions on the criminalization of poverty. Following the performance of the welfareQUEENS and Tiny�s powerful words is never an easy task, but the challenge was posed to a worthy scholar, Dr. Garrett

Dr. James Garrett, who is a teacher at Berkeley City College and poverty and race scholar, walked us through the history of the gentrification and criminalization of everyday life. He described how we, people of color, poverty, and radical politics are communities historically attacked by the government, pacified by nonprofit organizations, and incarcerated for not only acting to secure our basic rights, but for the simple act of voicing a demand for them. For over 60 years, we have been denied the basic things we need to survive and then turned into criminals for trying to access these things. It is now a crime to want to be heard. He concluded his powerful discourse with the searing statement that in the attempt to criminalize more and more of us, they, the criminalizers, the oppressors, the powers that tighten the rope around our collective necks, have made us ALL criminals.

The packed theater was not short on people that wanted to be heard that night. The audience was filled from lifelong scholars of race, poverty, disability, and abuse. We were there to open our mouths and make our voices hear, but we were also there to see if anyone was really listening.

Renee Saucedo, a tiny, clear-eyed mujer took center stage and let loose the struggle of a thousand immigrants from her mouth. She belted cries of fear from mothers confronting helicopters and uniforms when trying to take their children to school. She connected the dots between US policy and how US corporations force immigrants to seek work in the United States. And she reminded us why immigrants are willing to risk death and incarceration day after day and time and time again. She speaks for the rootless and impoverished brown multitudes. Ask an immigrant what they will do if they get deported and they will tell you, "If I get deported, I'll come back tomorrow. Why? Because my children's survival depends on it." But is anyone asking? Is anyone willing to listen to the answer?

"Repeat after me three times. People with disabilities! People with disabilities! People with disabilities!" POOR Magazine�s own race and disability scholar Leroy Moore took the stage next. A captivating and brilliant public speaker, he described how his voice and the voices of other people with disabilities have been silenced. He described the high crime rate against, the segregation of, and the silencing of people with disabilities. He reinforced the importance of language and language�s connection not only to how people are perceived, but what history they are connected to. People with disabilities share an amazing and rich history of struggle. Leroy reminded us that people experiencing the struggle have the answers; it is the people physically and societally able to implement these answers that need to start listening.

I saw the faces of many community activists in the room. Mostly people of privilege, white middle class folks dressed in clothes too casual to be recognized as someone that works for profit, but characteristically lacking the couture of daily struggle. Their eyes, purposefully calm to the point of unconscious condescension, have created blinding barriers between them and those whose struggle they have claimed. Their faces tell few stories but their lips keep flapping as if their long words make up for their short sightedness. Still, many of them were there to attend the dialogue on the criminalization of poverty. I wondered who they were there to hear.

I had no doubt that they listened intently to the words spoken in the language of politics. Jeff Adachi, the public defender of San Francisco, was among the experts invited to attend the dialogue. He wore a dark suit and a blue tie. He spoke with the consistent smile and slow clear cadence of a politician, yet his actions have continuously backed up his speech surrounding issues of race and poverty in the Bay Area. His legal work has clearly been rooted in the struggles of low and no income communities of color and he has fought against the system that continues to criminalize those living in poverty. To explain the crisis of the criminalization of poverty, Adachi spoke numbers and statistics. The California Youth Authority spends $220,000 per child per year to keep them in incarceration. Over 40% of prisoners are incarcerated for nonviolent offenses. 200,000 young people are doing time in adult prisons. 85% of judges are white. Incarceration of poor people, according to Adachi, is about more than just crime. He explained, "It�s now become a way of dealing with poor people."

After Adachi�s words, I began to think about the idea of dealing with poor people. The fact that poor people are being incarcerated for the simple fact that they are poor is an unacceptable way to deal with poor people, but is there really an acceptable way to deal with poor people? When my legs lock in pain from cleaning houses for 12 hours a day with broken bones and twisted joints and I still can�t pay my bills, I deal with it. When the welfareQUEENS struggle to feed and house and clothe and raise their children on next to nothing in one of the most expensive cities in the world, they deal with it. When people without homes are denied time and time again the bare necessities that humans need just to keep living and breathing, they deal with it. Poor people are not problems to be dealt with. Poverty is the problem that needs to be dealt with.

Juan Prada of the Coalition on Homelessness reminded those in the dialogue that when society chooses to see poor folks, we are demonized and public wrath is directed upon us. People with homes are especially targeted. According to Prada, 48% of people in incarceration are homeless, and the San Francisco Police Department has designated 32 police officers to act as "homeless outreach workers." It is a crime to be poor.

As the Dialogue on the Criminalization of Everyday Life continued, I began to get a little restless and uncomfortable in my chair. My mind started to drift through time after time when I was violently silenced because I was seen as less than human. Fists and words flew at me and I was locked in my chair. My brows lowered and my muscles grew tight. I thought to myself, "Am I really supposed to prove that I am human?" I know that I am human. My folks from POOR Magazine feel me and see me. I saw the other humans in the room. I even saw the activists and the politicians. A burning nausea in my stomach and water pooled eyes reminded me why I long ago resolved not to beg for scraps of humanity from anyone inhuman enough to claim that I have to.

I thought about my struggle, my language and their language; the language of the politicians, spoken with a similar accent as the community activists. Community activists speak in a similar form of emotional monotone. They paint struggles with numbers and statistics mistaken for black and white. They tell stories of people in the emotionally barren language of ideas. Seeking solidarity with struggle but fearing the depth of struggle�s experience, they speak with a loftiness reflecting both their desire to be heard and a fear to hear. But they truly believe they are fighting the good fight and they have access, albeit limited, to the eyes and ears that see them as people and us as numbers.

"The first failure of this government is it doesn�t see its people," explained San Francisco Supervisor Ross Mirikarimi. Politician primped and rhetoric clad he admitted, "We don�t recognize poverty in San Francisco." To illustrate his point, he defended his recent vote to in favor of building the new stadium for the San Francisco 49ers. He exhibited the same failure as many other activists and nonprofit workers. According to these often well meaning individuals, there are conditions in which it is acceptable to act as if we don�t exist. There are condition in which it is acceptable to treat us as numbers and statistics. There are conditions that they - activists, politicians, and so-called community representatives - willingly accept in which their humanity is assumed and ours must be fought for.

As the dialogue wrapped-up and again the voices of Tiny and Leroy and other people engaged in the most profoundly human struggles filled the room, my shoulders relaxed a little and my focus returned. I was grateful for the scholarship of the poverty scholars I had heard that evening. Tiny reminded us that they fact that such a dialogue was able to happen was a victory in and of itself and my fists began to unclench. As I walked out of the theater and into the lobby, I passed a number of people enthusiastically continuing the dialogue on the criminalization of poverty. My mind returned to the words of Tiny, "In our pathologically self-centered modern society, where we are all expected to survive and prosper in a cut-throat economic system that does not provide child care, housing, healthcare or a good public education, mine is not only a story of survival but of triumph. And above all it is a call for vision and clarity: the denunciation of the oppressive system that drives people into poverty and keeps them there, and the recognition that first and foremost all people deserve whatever help they need."

"You can�t just steal that! You have to pay for it!" The Dreadlocked soldier, whose name is Johnnie, a member of the POOR Magazine family had made the same mistake I made and taken a soda from off of the counter. The young man in the button up shirt didn�t see a man with a PhD. in poverty, he saw a criminal. He didn�t see how easily one could mistake these sodas as complimentary; he saw an opportunity to put a poor man in his place. From his place high on the stairwell, he shot thunderbolts of false righteousness at a respected resister � demanding he exchange his self respect for a one dollar soda pop.

"How much is this?" Johnnie pulled out his wallet to pay the man. He is NO thief. The self-proclaimed hero at the top of the stairs told him his dignity would cost him a dollar. Johnnie pulled out two green Washingtons and handed them to the man. "One for the soda and one to buy yourself some class." Johnnie was invited to listen to a dialogue on the criminalization of poverty. What he got was another taste of the disrespect that brings about the need for such a dialogue.

The nausea in my stomach returned and I left wondering who was heard that night. Whose scholarship was heard and respected? What was learned by our progressive "friends?" When will we stop being criminals for being thirsty and reaching for something to drink? When will we stop having to convince people that being thirsty is not a crime?