Story Archives

Through service we grow
in love, deeper and deeper
for so many we touch unaware.
Every so often we must step
back, and then
leave plateaus for higher mastery.
Is this what growing into the mystery
is?
God always suspending us over the abyss
with a child's hands

I am.
I am enough.
It's enough that I am.

I see.
I see enough.
It's enough that I see.

I believe.
I believe enough.
It's enough that I believe.

I am.
I see.
I believe.

by C.M.Condeff, age 54
now, age 15 then.

To Weep or Not to Weep

"Aw,go on ahead now, child, and just cry..."

--This voice--rumbling up from the depths of conscientious self-being
Crumbled the last vestige of self control
And the reins/rains were loosed
And the claws, no longer bared
The steel trap entrance to the innermost soul
Scathingly, screechingly smidged open one big eency bit
Which produced another         which produced another       which produced
...almost more painful than that act
of holding back.
Allowing the wrenching of the floodwake upward
Salty pools,ebbing high, to ease over the
Lip of the lower eyelids
Sloshing overboard in twos and threes
Carving roadways of rivulets down
The countryside of cheek, burrowing
Alongside the hillside of nose, careening
Over the upper side of lip
Gravity dictating their shiny, wet course to
Face the face
Droplets splashing wham! zam! wherever they may land, below...

The shoulders, the back
Joined at the neck in this
Symphony of sadness
From distraught to distressed to
disdain to despair--their chambers
Mutually echoing the havoc that had been held captive
Detained by sheer willpower
Now, to only disincline the effort to strain
Against, and release the pain
ALL AT ONCE
A mammoth wrenching
erupting from inner burial grounds
Bringing with it a fury
a heretofore unknown
Barrage of melancholia
Some of it for others
Most of it for one's own sorry self.
"How I'm gonna miss you..."
Is laced within this song of sorrow

After clenching all this
With the fierce, self-imposed
Death grip to deny its release
It finally explodes! Deploying
the bucketful of aquatic agony
the terrified sobs of the otherwise
unexpressed, tortuous,
anguished agony
Finally exonerated with the flush and roar of upsurging tears
At Long Last
because of that voice
That Voice, bearing the undeniable flavor of truth
Made itself known
From within and yet, from afar...saying
"Aw, go on ahead, now, child, and just cry.

Whew! I am drinking a hot cup of herbal lemon tea, out on this cold corner people are passing by to catch the buses. Noisy traffic is darting out in every direction of the city. It's been a long cold winter but today I can see some sunshine, tis the middle of February .
 
February is the most strangest month of the year. According to wikipedia: " February was named after the latin term februum,which means purification, via the purification ritual Februa held on February 15 (full moon) in the old lunar Roman calender."
 
Some years February has 28 days: on leap years it has 29 days. It's the shortest month of the year, which is good as a spring festival because it brings us closer to spring. Spring make me think of green. Trees and grass come alive, people get out of the  "cabin-coziness- mentality" and spring forth and spend some green money, like buying a street paper from you with some of their tax return.
 
 Speaking of return, I need to return to the gym before spring gets here and get some of these overweight pounds gone.
 
My, My, My brain has been working out, reading, writing, and studying. A writer's lot, just like a street vendor's lot, aint easy. It ain't all strawberries and cream or cheese cake supreme.
 
The world without writers and street news paper vendors will be like a notebook without ink, quill me! 

Two words come to mind, right off the bat.  1) brutal, and 2) hypocrisy.  As defined by Webster's "New World" dictionary, brutal means: 1.like a brute; very savage, cruel, etc. 2. very harsh.  And hypocrisy means: 1. a pretending to be what one is not, or to feel what one does not; esp., a pretense of virtue, piety, etc.  This, I say here, is something to consider when one contemplates the motto printed on every standard police car in Seattle and beyond...To serve and protect. 

Granted, there is no doubt in anyone's mind that there are instances where brute force is necessary to apprehend a dangerous criminal...but it seems to me, that when there is an attack by a police officer or a case of severe negligence on the part of an officer on duty, words get bantied around and meanings and stipulations take on a convenient vagueness--as if one could conjure up a smoky veil to hide the hideousness of the truth when it comes to shielding the reputations of those wearing the shield. In the case of Officer Cobane who said to a Latino man as he lay face down on the ground, "I'm gonna beat the #*%@#*! Mexican piss outta you, homey.  You feel me?" he and his partner were simply reassigned duties until further actions may or may not have been taken.  It was said by the department that they did NOT use unreasonable force.  But what do you call using your boot to knock someone's hand away from their face and kicking them in the head in the meantime? Reasonable?  Whoops? I'm sorry?

The platitudes and vague, if not downright deceptive terms that get tossed around like bread crumbs to birds are a horrendous injustice to the victims of police induced hate crimes, and they make a mockery of the justice system, which, obviously, in the light of untainted facts, needs to be overhauled and, in some cases, overruled.  "Justice"--"just ice" Joni Mitchell says in one of her songs. 

One redeeming factor in all this is the fact that more and more, situations involving the police are being filmed...and there, one cannot fall back on these thinly disguised misrepresentations of the truth.  No room for the "he said, she said" syndrome to play into effect when the honest-to-goodness truth needs to come out and be made known to all, involved or not. Cameras are not inclined to lie.  Just as a civilian might turn criminal and not be civil in some situation, so can an officer go from being a decent cop into a raging pig. Humanity has its virtues and its flaws. 

 The Seattle Times quoted one woman as saying "The community is of 'one mind' about the incident on the tape...We are incensed, we are offended, we are 100 % committed to doing all we can to make sure that it never happens again."  This particular incident happened right outside of the China Harbor restaurant in The International District, about what? five miles away from where John T. Williams, the beloved Ditidaht Native American woodcarver was gunned down by a police officer working on his own volition, just a few months later.  To protect and serve--who?  Their own best interests?  Granted, enforcers of the law all over the world, in every country that has any sense of organization and hierarchy, commit various acts of heroism, saving lives and defending the hapless.  We don't always hear about them.  But then, we don't always hear about the badged criminals due, in part,  to the victim's inability to prosecute or complain...sometimes, for fear of retaliation.  Seattle is a good-sized city, but not so big that one can easily disappear. Look at the case that happened in Tacoma, where the police Chief's wife was being brutalized--what was she supposed to do?  If I remember right, and I think I do,  he finally killed her.  My only sense of consolation in cases like this is my belief in GreatGrandFather God's judgment abilities, and the afterlife, where goodness is rewarded and evil is punished--both in an eternal manner. So there.

Quoting  a representative from Amnesty International,"Muslims and people of Arab descent have joined Blacks, Asians, Latinos and Native Americans to most likely be profiled by law enforcement and other agencies.  Targeted law enforcement affects people's lives on a broader level, she said.  [They] can be racially profiled while driving, walking, flying, shopping, staying at home or while praying."  In my case, singing and putting my walkman away...
Alot of questions hang in the balance, but I think the utmost query to be posed is this: Who polices the police?--A chant I heard expressed at an October 31st rally here, in Seattle, a few years back. And the gut-wrenching question: How do we stop it, and moreso, how do we prevent it altogether?  Can it be prevented?  Will upgrading and re-aligning training procedures do any good?When you pin a badge to someone's chest and put a billy club, a taser,a set of handcuffs and a gun in their hand, is there ever any guarantee that these devices will be used to safeguard joe citizen/s life/lives? or are we deluding ourselves into thinking we will be protected by the same person or persons who can use those same devices against us--to our unwarranted demise--even our death/s? Will the availability of cameras become necessary in order to not have a "hung jury" or in order to prove, without a doubt, what happened in certain situations, so that NO ONE can lie to save their own skin or their partner's, etc.

I truly wish I had some definitive answers to these and other related questions.  All I can say, is that as United States Citizens, we are supposedly guaranteed certain inalienable rights, namely: Life. Liberty. And the pursuit of happiness. What's more--these rights are meant for everyone--not just for some and not for others.  And these rights--other than the "pursuit" part, are not vague or subject to prejudiced interpretation. They are explicit and binding.  Our Forefathers were quite adamant about this.  Many citizens fought and bled and died on the battlefield so that we could have the freedom we enjoy today.  Or are supposed to be able to enjoy without being profiled or discriminated  against.

So, there you have it. In a land of justice and freedom, it doesn't mean that a person should run wild and run amuck and hope to break even--it means a land where all individuals deserve respect and there really is no place for unwarranted brutality or the deception of hypocritcal  thinking and unfair actions.

sources include, but were not limited to: the seattle times, the real change newspaper, ch. fox 13 news, poor magazine, and the san francisco bayview publication.  A Couple of Clarifications:

--the woman that The Seattle Times Quoted as saying "the community..." is actually a spokeswoman from El Centro De La Raza.

"Californians need to get real, " as the words shot out of  jerry Brown's mouth, my  body started to shake with fear from that real.  The "real" of a near empty  stomach, the "real" of  bitter cold cement and vinyl back seats of cars to sleep on when you have no home.  i had felt that real for so many years of childhood poverty, the kind of real our children will be feeling if Brown's proposed budget cuts to Medi-Cal, welfare and child care  are implemented.

The acts of budget genocide currently being proposed to the Cal-works and Medi-cal programs in California include reductions of 13% to the meager cash grants we barely receive now for working in-system,(there is no free money, us mamaz work for every penny we recieve) limiting the amount of medicine we and our children get per month and the worst genocide of all, cutting off our children entirely from cash grants within 48 months . These already stripped "aid" programs based on the myth of the budget cuts or as i call them, budget Crumbs, are crafted on the lie that there is plenty of money to fund illegal wars that kill, poison and traumatize children and adults across the globe, but never enough for poor families to survive, much-less thrive.

I wondered what was real that morning for Jerry Brown  as he departed his condominium without  fear he would come home to a rent increase, eviction papers  or a foreclosure notice, perhaps consuming a breakfast  purchased without worrying that the rising cost of food  would overdraw his bank account. And in the reality crafted by Jerry Brown, Schwarzenegger and so many other politricians before and after them. Us poor folks live in a scarcity model defined by people who have never had to go scarce.

As humans hearing about budget genocide we tend to go to an "I got mines" mentality, denying, accusing and blaming people for the need they have, pitting one need against another, ranking oppressions and/or feeling selfish about our "own" peoples needs. This process is all fueled and supported by mainstream media supported by corporations and corrupt politicians who would rather keep the business of hate and false scarcity going as long as it keeps us from focusing on the real "real"

The budget lies actually began hundreds of years ago with the theft of land and resources from indigenous peoples through paper trails, legislative theft, and adjudicated deceit, until we suddenly had nothing to even negotiate or trade with. In the 21st century reality working people honestly pay their taxes to support an amorphous system while being duped into this collective myth of budget scarcity. Paying into 3 trillion dollar defense budgets and corporate pay-offs, whether they agree with them or not and then being confused by a consistent declaration of deficit overrun.

Real budget justice models do exist in the US budgets created by community -wide participation such as the one created by multiple organizations in San Francisco known as The Peoples Budget- In Oakland led by Ella Baker Center and the city-wide budget organized by economic justice advocates in Chicago who collaborated with alderman who were also fed up with false government and established a truly people-led budget process that managed to evenly distribute tax resources to education, city services and social services for poor and working people and was actually used in city policy.

So as Gov Brown defines "real" as budget genocide which will have deadly consequences on our children and families let's follow the leads of our brothers and sisters in Wisconsin and Egypt and rise up to demand a different kind of  "real"  that feeds our children, employs our workers and fixes our roads, really!

To Listen to the voices of mothers and daddys in poverty speaking on the impact of these cuts click here to listen to PNN-Radio We-Search

To Watch the mamas and daddys on PNN-TV WeSearch click here

"Jane Kim is a park's champion and an advocate."
Words expressed by Phil Ginsburg on behalf, and support of newly-elected S.F. District 6 Supervisor Jane Kim. Ginsburg is the General Manager of Recreation and Park Department for the City and County of San Francisco, CA.

A community forum panel took place at the Bessie Carmichael Elementary School, on February 16th, 2011 in San Francisco's South of Market District. (SoMa) Myself, and my fellow POOR comrade, Muteado Silencio attended this community meeting. As a community ourselves who live in her district, we needed to be here. Who's talking about us, who's talking with us, and for us as a community motivates our routine re-porting and sup-porting.

No voices would be taboo..............even when we're heard.

Insight was needed by us as to what S.F. Supervisor Jane Kim plans were going to be for her constituents.

After an estimated five block travel through chilly winds, we arrived just in time to hear the forum panelists address everyone in attendance. The community members were diverse, primarily of multiple Asian ethnicities (among others) and cultures. The meeting was held in the school's cafeteria.

Community organizers involved for tonight's meeting were the United Playaz and SOMCAN. The forum panelists were San Francisco departmental head employees here for a dialogue discussion.

They were from the Department of Public Health, Board of Education, the Recreation and Park Department, the San Francisco Police Department's Southern Station, the  Redevelopment Agency, and the Department of Public Works. Angelica Cabande, organizing director for SOMCAN facilitated the discussion dialogue.

Issues raised were pedestrian, public safety, accessibility for the Gene Friend Recreational Center, and plans for Victoria Manalo Draves Park. (across the street from the school)  The transparency that took place were primary concerns of complaints regarding the park, and ongoing unsavory activities occurring in it. The residents who lived in this area expressed their concerns of not being secure and safe.

A police sergeant on the panel pledged that his department would address their concerns.

Everyone was allowed to bring forth questions, concerns, and grievances to the panelists. However, everyone's answers were postponed until the meeting's end due to the "interest of time."

As I stood in line to speak to the panelists, I myself began to hear each speaker. Criticisms ranged from lack of traffic safety, neighborhood protection, and scarce beneficial resources became instantaneous to my ears. One speaker expressed his efforts to receive a small business license, but was unsuccessful. He seemed discouraged in displaying his words to them. His greatest fear was that he wouldn't be able to support himself unless he got his license.

In a two-sided circulated community flyer, I viewed a chronology of concerns. One paragraph indicated that the SoMa community "wasn't against advocating for adequate funding for the rec center and park." Another was how funds are never really allocated into the community, regardless. Also indicated in the flyer were allegations of discrimination against the United Playaz staff; and refusals to allow them partnerships into their programs.

Some students raised an awareness that somewhat shocked not only me, but some attendees regarding the school food distributed to them: Poorly prepared portions, limited, and unsatisfactory meals were given to them daily. Hydra Mendoza, the school board president quickly rose from her seat to assure everyone that the food "was much better than it was five years ago."

She also stated that the city was the process of pouring funds into the school district.

"Where is the city going to get these funds considering its continuous claims of alleged shortfalls and deficits for the schools?" I asked myself, while dining on slices of pizza and sliced portions of sandwich rolls provided at this meeting.

Moreover, if these accusations made from the youth speakers were indeed valid; how can the city and/or state expect for all children, especially in elementary to function and focus in their education without proper nourishment?

"I just have a couple of questions for Supervisor Jane Kim." I said to them while shifting my eyes towards Kim's direction meeting her's. "One of them is how do you feel about the Eastern Neighborhood's Plan to "re-zone" the Mission District? The other is, what are your thoughts regarding the opposition against this plan to remove the Red Stone Building, and replace it with a condominium?"

For what felt like to me was just a typical two-hour dry doctored dialogue, with the panelists bearing remain-to-be-seen promises. After the meeting adjourned, I approached Supervisor Kim for her to respond to my series questions I had asked earlier on. I was curious about Kim's thoughts about the Eastern Neighborhood's Plan to "rezone" the Mission District, and removing the Redstone Building.

She immediately introduced me to her staff members. It felt in this instance as if my questions would be unanswered. I extended an invitation for her to come to the next POOR Community Newsroom. Kim couldn't promise she'd attend. If she was unable to, one of her reps would be sent instead.

"I'm interested in attending some of those meetings." Kim said to me, referencing the meetings held by the Redstone Building tenants concerning the building's future.

"Roughly about five people have asked her (Kim) to come the meetings, but she hasn't shown up, nor has any of her representatives." My comrade, Elder Scholar Bruce Allison would later inform me. "One of them was a resident of Adair Alley. ( He's asked her to come to the meetings, due to the project's plan to build forty parking spaces in it. This would be an inconvenience for him to even leave out of his home."

(Panelists present at the forum included:The panelists part of the SoMa Townhall evening meeting forum: .Colleen Chawla, Director of Grants, and Special Projects for S.F. Department of Public Health. .Hydra Mendoza, President of the San Francisco School Board of Education. .Phil Ginsburg, General Manager of Recreation and Park Department. .Courtney Pash, of the San Francisco Redevelopment Agency. .Mohammed Nuru, of San Francisco Department of Public Works. .Unknown sergeant from the San Francisco Police Department)

Articles of opposition against the proposed development plan:

http://poormagazine.org/node/3373
http://poormagazine.org/node/3380
http://missionlocal.org/2011/01/opposition-builds-for-condo-complex-near-redstone-building/