As a Single mother

by Virginia Velez/Special to PNN

Before welfare de-form, I did all the right things to get out of poverty as a single mom. Luckily, I only have one child, a very rebellious, independent child. Anyway, I went to college when he was eight. It was the 80's and I worked part-time in the very university I was attending 22 hours a week so I could get health benefits for my child and I. It was a while before the financial aid folks noticed, then they forced me to give up my nice job on campus to take work-study for much less pay and no medical benefits, or I would lose my grants. Luckily, another single mom told me I could get AFDC, at least for Medicaid and food stamps, and I did. I did so well in that Washington state university that I got a fellowship to go to the most elite school in California.

I got there and my son and I immediately started going thru it. I had no shame about being poor, but for my adolescent child living in Palo Alto among the wealthiest people in the world, my condition became shameful. On top of that, I was suffering from depression after a while there. I've recently been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder from the domestic abuse I suffered with my son's father. I could tell back then that my child was turning against me for not having a man to take us out of poverty, as the fairy tales say. The school fellowship couldn't cover the really high rent because the university forced single moms to rent 2-bedrooms on campus even though other students without kids shared one-bedroom apartments on campus. I had to take out loans because I could only get food stamps and Medicaid with work study while I attended fancy-pants Stanford university. Of course, since Clinton, single moms can't even get that, so I was extremely lucky or I'd never have gone to college at all, but it was a struggle even BC (Before Clinton).

My son internalized all society's judgments, and he ran away at 13 and left my poor and blue behind for a brother on campus whom I had befriended primarily to be my son's 'big brother'. This very self-righteous man, who had a new red sporty car instead of a raggedy old station wagon like I had, very eagerly took my son in and immediately applied to be a foster parent, and here came the law. Dummy me called them to ask for a social worker or someone to help me get my son home and work things out. Yup, obviously Stanford had affected my good-South-Bronx-ghetto-child sense. To defend my actions, I'll say that I saw CPS in Seattle actually worked hard to reunite someone I knew who had a coke addiction and almost had her children molested by her boyfriend. I should also say that the main reason that CPS worked so hard to reunite that young mom with her kids was that the mom's sister, who took the kids in, was a lesbian! So yes, it was a stupid move, but I was desperate to get him brought back home, and I thought a runaway was treated as such and they would try to get him to stay home and do therapy, which they seem to do often enough for white single moms, from what I'd seen.

The police, CPS, social workers, all did absolutely nothing. They did not care that it was killing me that my child was with a single man. They did not care that never before had anything been held against me in my caring for my child, alone, for 13 years. They did not care I was sad and depressed from finances, and from having to be around the most selfish, ego-centric, richest and most messed up people in the world, while I worked my butt off in my studies and part-time work. They didn't care that I had never missed my son's ball games or concerts, that I begged and wheedled and finally scrounged up the dough for the child to have a clarinet because I had no credit and couldn't rent him one, that I'd made sure he never had a single cavity in his head, that I put him to bed every night whispering 'you're the best', that no matter how broke I was or how many student loans I had to take out, I kept quality fresh food and juices and never a soda in our refrigerator. They didn't care that my son had a perfect school record, had been in sports and music with only me there for him. They didn't care he was a runaway, so long as a man was willing to take him and help fund their foster care system. As Alexandra Finn wrote for your magazine in "The Big Business of Separating Families", 1/9/04, the system gets lots of dough to take our kids.

Ultimately, that man received more money as a foster dad than I ever would have if I had received AFDC cash aid. I informed AFDC as soon as my child left, and I became ineligible for healthcare or food stamps for myself. The man thankfully did not hurt my child, but he moved over 100 miles from me and then grossly neglected him. My child broke laws, got in trouble, got into gambling and drinking heavily while he was with that man, and I never heard a word about it, and the foster care system never called that man's ability to 'parent' my son into question. My child went from a lifelong honors student to almost not graduating. My child continued his foolishness in college and got in more legal trouble and lost his financial aid, got a record, ended up homeless for months, and is just now recovering from all that.

People get complacent when they have a little money, a little old job, a little bit of legitimacy and security. They, like I did for a hot minute, start thinking the system can actually help them, that they can actually control the system. I am here to tell you - never! Never, ever ask for help from any agency. It's completely pitiful for the moms and kids, but there is absolutely no institution you can trust for any help raising or just keeping your child. Churches can betray you, neighbors, family, friends. Everyone thinks they can do a better job raising your child than your poor butt can, no matter how long you've been doing it and doing it well. I was in the most posh and ultimately worthless university in the west, but I was still poor, a woman of color, and a single mom, and depressed, so in their eyes I was a lousy mother.

You have to pick who you can trust extremely carefully, and stick with folks who truly care about your struggle or hush up! You should never do anything - no partying, no showing any weakness - that can make you fit into their bad-parent label with people you can't trust.

When you feel worn out and blue, only the most trustworthy person can be called upon. Usually this'll be another single mom, or like me, I found a former -foster-child-now-mother at Stanford who I could trust who had been screwed by the system. She saved me from completely losing my mind when I lost my child, and would not let me blame myself though I felt like I'd failed the most important, vital responsibility in my life.

My kid and I are very close now. He's doing lots better, he's a young man and I pray for his maturity and sense of responsibility to settle better in him. When his past caught up with him and he was arrested for failing to appear at hearings for getting busted in college right after he left that man, I called that man who kept pretending my son's future mattered to him, who got paid to take care of him more than a real mother ever would get paid, and he put up not one dime to get him out, though my son had been working and racial profiled when he was stopped and the warrant came up; he had not even gotten into new trouble. I paid my son's bail when he got in trouble because I was working and had credit (now I'm disabled, can't pay it back, and have no income or credit). I helped him get through diversion to clear his record, set him up in my living room until he had work and could pay his way. So, you see how jive people are who say they only have your child's welfare at heart? That damn man has half my student loans and half my lifetime expenses for just necessities and twice my income and 20 times my family support, but he had not one red cent for my son in trouble, and no follow-through to see how he is.

From what I went through, I recommend you single moms gather onto yourselves (before there's trouble, not after!):

1. one good reliable trustworthy single mom friend who is not judgmental and doesn't think CPS is there to help

2. one pro-single-moms therapist to support you if anyone challenges your ability to raise your child, and

3. one pro-single-moms lawyer friend who will fight for you and your kids like a lion.

Bless you powerful struggling women and your children. May you be blessed with friends you can trust if you have no family to rely on.