"I Am" Jennalyn

by Mission Resistors

They say the universe was created by the destruction of another in a Big Bang. I know mine was destroyed and created by 2 Big Bangs. When I was 26, I was in and out of situations where I was getting free housing. My parents were going to my grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary so I stayed at their place in Alsea, Oregon for the weekend. This place was a typical doublewide mobile home with medium brown false wood walls and burnt orange carpets. I invited my friend Jon Smyth over to watch a movie. We watched “Tomb Raider” all the way through and started “Fire Birds.” We wandered around, in and out watching the movie and doing other stuff. He went to the bathroom and wandered into my parent’s bedroom and came out with the “Hand Rifle”--my father’s .44 magnum revolver. He said, “’J’ sit down.” I looked and saw him with the gun. He repeated, “’J’ sit down.” It took me a moment to process what was going on and in the mean time the First Big Bang occurred to destroy my old universe and send things speeding in millions of directions. He had fired a warning shot across my bow. My hands went up in surprise. The shot went through my left pointer finger, the tip of my right pointer finger, opened my right middle finger at the first knuckle, and continued through my right thumb and hit the lamp on the other side of the wall. I had to look down to know all this. Again he said, “’J’ sit down.” I sat down. He walked over to the phone. I asked him, “Why are you doing this?” He answered, “Because life sucks.” In response I said, “That doesn’t mean you have to hurt me.”

“I do not intend to hurt you," he retorted.

I concluded, “You already have.”

He did not answer. I said, “I need to go to the bathroom.” He nodded as he picked up the phone to make a call. I went to the restroom and washed off my hands to see how bad they were damaged. They looked like hamburger. During the same instant I was doing this my friend was asking for a girl by name. When she answered he said, “This will teach you to mess with men’s hearts.” And then he fired one last shot. I knew this was his final act. This was the second Big Bang. As tragic as this was it was the action that started my new universe. From this point forward, things started to slow down and recoil less. I went into the front room and saw my friend laying face down on the floor in the exact position he used to sleep, in a face down fetal position. It was still so obvious that he was dead that I did not need to check for vital signs. The next thought that went through my mind was whether or not I should see if the girl was still on the phone and help her. I decided it was more important that I get help for myself. I hung up the phone and called 911. I waited for the local E.M.T. when they got there I was very grateful that I was in a small community and knew all the E.M.T.s. When they wanted to keep me talking I told them I needed to talk as little as possible so I could concentrate on keeping conscious the pain was so great. They transferred me to the main ambulance and they took me to the hospital to start my road to healing. Later when I was asked how I got though it all I could say was, “It happened, nothing I could do about it.” And that is how my new universe started.

Things like this in my life and the lives of others start hidden disabilities. These disabilities are the kind that other people that don’t have them can’t see. This is a major problem because it is these kinds of disabilities that are hardest to overcome. So it is nearly impossible to get help because nobody will admit that we are in need of help.