A STARR IS REBORN

by TJ Johnston

Senator Ernest "Fritz" Hollings, otherwise a courtly Southern gentleman, is mad as hell over the US Government’s handling of the still-unfolding Enron scandal. The South Carolina Democrat wasn’t anywhere near as maniacal as the fictional Beale, but that’s the sentiment behind Hollings’ description of a "cash and carry government."

Hollings, chairman of the Commerce Committee, noted that in the last decade, Enron contributed campaign funds to 186 Representatives and 71 Senators (including himself). In 2000, the now-bankrupt energy giant also filled Republican coffers in the presidential election. Inquiry of how the seventh largest corporation overstated profits, devalued their 401k to the level of Argentine pesos, peddled bipartisan influence and somehow went broke seems to be in order. But having the Department of Justice investigate, according to Hollings, would present its own problems, mostly conflicts of interest.

Attorney General John Ashcroft was an Enron beneficiary in his failed Senate bid, as was his campaign manger-turned-chief of staff. Next in line to sniff out clues would be Ashcroft’s deputy, Larry Thompson. The problem is that Thompson’s old firm represented Enron and their equally scrutinized auditors, Arthur Andersen. Also, Thompson already has his hands full countering terrorism.

Hollings submits it would behoove Thompson to appoint a special counsel. I modestly propose to tap Kenneth Starr for the job.

You would be right to say, "Haven’t we heard enough from Clinton’s persecut—er, prosecutor?" I sure had my fill of Starr and the pother principals in the impeachment trial. That said, his Lewinski-gate probe did provide the best selling soft porn in recent memory.

"Extraordinary circumstances" necessitates the appointment of a special counsel. If oral sex qualifies as such, so would sending for company airplanes to stump for Bush. And wiping out retirement plans. Ditto for the suicide of one of its board members (echoes of Vince Foster, maybe?). In concert with a Senate select committee (proposed by Hollings), Starr would get to the bottom. Such an investigation would reveal activity that transcends corporate chicanery. Starr could subpoena Army Secretary Thomas

White, Energy Regulatory Commissioner Patrick Wood III and trade representative Robert Zoellick. These federal employees were either on Enron’s payroll or otherwise sympathetic to their deregulatory needs.

Starr might need to cut a few deals with the executives who took the Fifth Amendment, but remember that he also granted immunity to Monica. What’s the harm in that? I’m confident that Starr’s skills in transcribing phone sex and girl talk would transfer to decoding book-cooking. By piecing together shreds of evidence, Starr would eventually find the smoking gun or semen-soaked blue dress. I could see CEO Kenneth Lay squirm as Hollings and Starr ask him point-blank, "Did you have political relations with that person?’

Starr couldn’t find a better opportunity to redeem himself. He could transform himself from witch-hunter to muckraker with the same prosecutorial zeal and acumen that made him a household name. May Starr Commission Report II make for equally enticing reading on our country’s nightstands.