HILLBILLY SLAMS CBS

by TJ Johnston for Weird Services

A multimillionaire, until recently a poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed, is taking shots at a network for staging a reality show based loosely on his life.

J.D. "Jed" Clampett lambasted CBS about their attempts to relocate a poor, rural family to a Hollywood mansion and put them on televised display. "All that trouble lookin' for country folk," opines Clampett in a press conference at his Beverly Hills estate, "and they don't know the Clampetts live right here."

CBS had put out a call for a nationwide "hick hunt" with the stipulation that the auditionees have limited education and travel experience. With an estimated 56 million in America's boonies to choose from, it seems the Tiffany Network already has their work cut out for them. Their search has already taken them through the Deep South, Midwest and Appalachian regions.

Having discovered oil while hunting in his property outside Bugtussel, Clampett made a deal with OK Oil and now lives off the proceeds. Despite the plush surroundings of swimming pools and movie stars, his family, comprised of his mother-in-law "Granny" Daisy Moses, daughter Ellie Mae, and nephew Jethro Bodine, live frugally. In fact, they still drive the same truck which they took to California and employ no servants.

Clampett challenged CBS to bring their cameras to his manor. "We got some things that the folks in TV land would find mighty interestin'." In a tour of his house, he showed reporters the "critters" Ellie Mae cares for and the pool (or "cement pond") where Granny makes her soap. Jethro, who was not present, engages in a multifaceted career including being a Hollywood agent, a "double-naught" spy and a Robin Hood-style outlaw. Emphasizing Jethro's sixth-grade education, Clamped wryly said, "Anyone who believes an education isn't worth the money ought to hear the boy speak."

Clampett thought deliberately when posed a question about the image of rural America such a program might portray. "I hope everybody has a sense of humor about it." He seemed baffled by one network exec's musing about "the episode where they have to interview maids." Again, Clampett stressed his clan's ethos of self-sufficiency, thrift and 'neighborliness' to their fellow man.

At that moment, neighbor Milburn Drysdale (who is also president of the Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills) blustered into the house, apparently unaware his largest depositor arranged for the press conference. Drysdale immediately detracted disparaging statements about "trash TV" and pledged to support Clampett's campaign.