Just thinking of my past. Wondering about how to make it
through the years ahead.
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by Joe B. As one of a generation born after World War 2 I’ve lived through a few upheavals that are still ongoing. I tell a friend about sex being a sacred act. The laughter it dies down some things one need not say to another or never volunteer personal info. It may have caught her off guard or it’s her real view of sex being no big deal anymore. born in changing era’s a small, skinny kid gets beaten up then kissed by girl gangs fun one has to use different rules the "Don’t hit, hurt girls, women doesn’t apply. My mother said "They hit, you hit back but don’t start fights - finish it." I did at 5 or 8 but being 14 and older going through that and puberty is rough; guess they are as confused as everyone else. Moving to another state, different schools, meeting more aggressive girls, angry women without and I clueless to why I’m fighting more girls than guys just made everything complex. I’m in the library reading Ms., Cosmo, or other Women’s Magazine for clues. After a while the fights stop, toughing, hugging, and kissing began but my past dealing with girls made it difficult to do same. Eventually I leaned its something not against me I’m just in the way and focused on. As a black male in a bubbling, churning resentment about male privilege which I’m clueless again. I had, it was a given, not earned privilege as women must constantly earn. Finally got through the mechanics of sex yet the hidden mind fields of emotional context, memories, appropriate, touch, fear is still with me. How to comfort someone instead of being part of a problem. Some of the Political Correctness keeps me from touching, holding, being a buffer, screen, in non sex context. I’ve done the lay-in-bed-next-to –your-lover for sleep only. Its not as frustrating and more satisfying that I didn’t need to be "ready or up" for her and she need not worry about fighting me off – I am trusted. a humbling feeling to experience to know you she trusts to keep both hands, heads to themselves. It happened a few times and sometimes it backfired and I wake up with a woman on me or I in her. When your coaxed or forced into a situation the "Lay Back And Take It" You feel unclean even in the throws of passion a part of you smiles grimly to get through even laugh before rubbing your body bloody raw in bath or shower at home. People go through all sorts of trauma, survive and deal with inner demons. Though all men are potential rapists not all men or most will rape but for woman a "Kill or castrate ‘em all, let God sort ‘em out" is a common theme for the wretched misery one sex has heaped on the other. I can be respectful to all while avoiding knives, guns, pepper spray, avoiding Pornography, learning about Erotica, keeping mouth shut, and my brain open. I still make Thansubstantive Errors but less all the time. Any opinions you have, you know where to write. I’d personally like to know what women really think Please send donations to For Joe only my snail mail: Email: askjoe@poormagazine.org |