A long while avoiding. Frightening isn't it? Going back there... TO Dreaded HIGH SCHOOL REUNION!
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by Joseph Bolden High School Daze Reunion Yes,way overdue, frightening,and why should I go? Many other questions haunt me,will continue haunting until… I return to a place of both dread and fun times – my high school reunion! For over 30 years I’ve not shown up. My various reasons were: All the above minutia means nothing but excuses for not showing up. Thirty plus years is a long time to feel inadequate because life didn’t turn out exactly as planned enough of that. Time to face the pied pipers music,go and get this over with. Probably,few people know of me way back when. Just a rail thin kid, accident prone,shy,horny, bookish,lazy eye, and not athletic. I wasn’t into chess clubs, public speaking, maybe some art and cooking but way below cool kids though. I had finally figured out if I’m a designated outcast even though wanting to be part of the in crowd then “F” the in crowd,it isn’t worth all the crap so it “It Proves I Can Beat You Up.” At that point I think other kids stopped the fight when looking at small, frail, me and the giant guy about to pound me into mulch. Awhile after that I had my own kind of cool. I think from that frightening turn of events I became less afraid of people [still got my ass kicked, but being perceived as The Freaky One Eyed Kid] kept most of the bullies away,a few adventurous,brave girls began to see though false perception to see the real me. I was still shy about my looks I’m a late bloomer sexually which may have save me just as the AIDS crisis began. In my mid to late 20’s the wonders of girls and women had taken hold. Playboy, Oui, Fling, Gem, and Gent are the magazines to thank. I suffer job burnout or medically called a nervous breakdown which precipitated becoming homeless in L. A., Oakland, Berkelely. Folks, I recommend not experiencing this aspect of social deconstruction. I’ve hitched to Los Angeles, was an extra in a film there and in Bakersfield, and San Francisco probably on the cutting room floor. Was a Certified Nurse Assistant/Kitchen Helper and Home Health Aide. I’ll say it may help focus young folks on life’s road, who think the world is theirs by birthright alone. Let them experience being house-less and jobless for 3 to 6 months they may return (if they survive it) better, wiser, and stronger. Then it all fell apart because both high skill/low wage combination,travels to other convalescent hospitals, ever higher rents. It doesn’t help to have lived in a house with a loving mother,a backward with dogs, younger brother looking up to you for guidance. I’d had gone to Jr. college for a few years but didn’t have a major. Purgatory and Hell are places on earth and the nexus is living between paycheck and losing it falling into a jobless/houseless abyss. Truly contemplating ending ones life feeling as if you’re an cipher caught in amber frozen in frustration. Physical and Psychological damage heaps on you unless you find ways to cope luckily my escape was writing, humor, and rarely when I offered or asked of me sex. The last item cost me missing friend’s important speaking at an important function,besides slow loss of self worth,sex also goes unless you pay for it. I’ve done that on rare occasions finding no joy even in physical release unless there is mutual trust, likability it leaves within me a cold,empty,feeling more worthless than not having any. You get what you can when you can empty or not. One doesn’t die when sex is denied but one remembers and those memories haunt,burn you and I one of my ambitions was to be writer or scientist maybe both. As a late bloomer just getting the hang of sex then its ripped away from me with time,jobless,houseless, I learned more about psychological/physical aspects of male and female anatomy, psychology,sexology honing my skills when the rare women gave of herself. Maybe homelessness like prison brought out what was already there… There’s lots of exaggerated acting out on the street especially when anyone can play the homo/hetero card for a laugh,people have died to prove a point. I had the presence of mind to intrinsically know most of who and what I am without worry of what the image looked like. Also found out my body type is Mesomorphic which is prone to massive muscle build up with little exercise needed or by same way by overeating muscle can turn to fat. One lady friend has stayed with me through out my homeless ness/jobless times another has helped me keep my sane and healthy. There are people who if they come to know you will stick by you through good and bad. Its women that have seen me my most pathetic and at my best, It good and loyal friend years to get off red meat and try vegetarian diet, I still eat meat though less than before. I credit her friendship for at time nurturing me when sick I live in San Francisco where being gay or gayelle is a norm. Isolated, hetero, homeless, jobless, and finally on/off G.A. For me it has really been a long, confused, strange, dangerous,haunting slow trip through time where friends were made and precarious as life is and Sadly,it may be too late for family life yet I still could be a decent,loving, husband, raising another’s gene spawn children. Homelessness has changed me I don’t know how I’d turn out if it had not happened? After all this I believe I can go to my Berkeley High School Reunion no matter my station in life because I am alive to talk about it. Now if I can get a call by email, phone, for an invite I’ll get on bart and go the school and get this millstone off my mind for good. And for anyone that has suffered other hardships as in war, nearly murdered, deep losses other or triumphed over adversities I’d advise others go to your reunions,get it done and over with. Don’t fall back into being who you were,be the person you are now. Whomever wants or needs to contact me Time to hear the pipers tune and dance. |