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CUESTA SALIR DEL CLOSET.
Siempre lo habian sentido, sabia que algo dentro era, “diferente”, ya habia pasado tiempo en la iglesia pensando que ello me ayudaria, pero al salir, ese “sentimiento” seguia igual. Al ver ello trate de convencerme a mi misma que lo podria manejar, que lo podria cambiar: empece a besar varios labios pensando, “con este chico, estare comoda, porque yo, no soy lesbiana”. Tendria quizas, 13 anos, todas las jovensitas de la escuela hablaban de lo mismo, chicos, noviazgo, sexo.
Yo alli no tenia espacio, inevitablemente mis ojos no miraban a los chicos, pero la negacion no me dejaba sentirme bien.
Nadie a mi alrededor parecia tener el mismo “problema”, hubiera amado tener a mi lado
alguien que me guiara. Pero a mi mente venia la imagen de mis tios viendome con asombro y
desconcierto, halar con felicidad un gato azul de juguete que tenia ruedas, (lo mas parecido a
un carro). Y la reaccion de mi madre cuando teniendo yo 9 anos, le hablaron de las cartas que intercambiaba con una amiga diciendonos cuanto nos queriamos. Nisiquiera yo misma sabia en ese momento que “era malo”, fue su reaccion, lo que me lo dejo ver.
Fueron varios anos en el colegio, sin saber que hacer y como manejarlo de manera diferente a tener novios momentaneos a los cuales nunca les permiti tocarme mas alla de la mano porque en el momento en que lo intentaban disfrasaba el temor de decencia y les decia que ello era imprudente; ahora que lo pienso, debio ser gracioso! Pensaba en la reaccion que podrian tener mis amigas si les decia lo que pasaba. Me preguntaba cuantas jovensitas pasaban por lo mismo, pues en el colegio todos decidimos conservarnos en el closet y entre mas cerrado major, pues evitabamos comentarios, vurlas y rechazo.
Salir de alli no fue facil, me costo mucho. Me costo lagrimas, crecer, tener independencia, una
familia, amigos incondicionales, tomar un avion y decir “adios”. Ahora, viviendo aca en San
Francisco, CA., me cuesta ver con asombro las estadisticas nacionales. Los estudiantes LGBT tienen una probabilidad de sentirse inseguros en la escuela tres veces mayor (un 22% frente a un 7%), y el 90% de los estudiantes LGBT (frente a un 62% en los adolescentes no LGBT) son
acosados o agredidos físicamente1.
Amigos en Colombia siguen soportando el apretado closet, mientras otros que han salido sobre llevan todo tipo de acoso. Mi corta estadia aca en el pais americano me ha llevado a escuchar acerca de todo tipo de acoso dentro de los colegios, aparte de que se puede ver y oler en los buses, entre los jovenes.
Me encantaria que se implementaran clarlas, pero no de aquellas aburridas en las que un
estudiado donctor habla, sino charlas reales, donde sean los protagonistas, los conocedores del tema no por estudiarlo sino por vivirlo, quienes hablen. Se de clases y talleres que se dictan enalgunas escuales con el fin de cocientizar a los jovenes a cerca de la diversidad, lo cual preferiria que fuera en todas porque estoy segura que alla se encuentran muchas chicas de 13 anos que estan pasando por la misma cituacion que yo un dia pase. Jovenes que lo unico que anhelan es tener una mano amiga que les guie sin que el proceso les cueste tanto.
English Follows
The price of coming out.
I always felt it, i knew that something inside was “differnt”. When i would be in church thinking that He would help me, but coming out that “different feeling” was still the same. looking at Him i tried to covince myself that i could control this. I could change it, I started to kiss many lips, thinking to myself “ With this boy I will become fixed because I am not a lesbian.” Perhaps i was 11 years old. All the young girls from school talked about the same things; boys, boyfriends, and sex. Thats where I knew there was no space for me. My eyes did not look at the boys.
None around me looked to have the same “problem”. i lobged to have someone next to me who loved me. but in my head the image that would come up was my uncles selling me a blue toy cat that had wheels. And the relation with my mother when I was younger and was called about these letters i was sending out this friend who was a girl. In the letters we would say how much we loved each other. I didnt realize in that moment that this was “evil”. My mom’s reaction was what made me realize this.
It was many years in school not knowing what to do and hot to control it in a manner differnt than having many spontaneous boyfriends, which i never allowed to touch me more than just my hands because the moment ther tried it I would hide it under my fear of indecency and would tell them that it was imprudent;now that I think back, I must have been funny! I thought through their reaction of what my girlfriends would think if I told them what was happening.I would wonder how many other girls felt the way I did, throught college we all decided to stay in the closet and the more closed we were the better, we were avoiding comments, jokes and rejection.
Coming out was nothing easy, it cost me dearly, it cost me tears, growth, being independent, my family, unconditional friends, take a plane and say “goodbye”. Today, living here in San Francisco, CA I am amazed to see the national statistics.
The LGBT students have three times more probability (22% compared to 7%) of feeling insecure, and 90% of LGBT students(compared to 62% not LGBT youth) are harassed or violently attacked physically.
Friends in Colombia keep stuck in their tight closet, meanwhile those that have come out deal with all types of abuse. My short education here in the US has let me hear all tyes of insults inside of the colleges a side from this also you can smell and see it on the bus and around youth.
I would love it if they would impliment talks, not those borring kind of talks where a person studied it but a real discussion, where the protagonists, the ones who have experienced the topic would speak on this. Clases and workshops that dictate in some schools whith the goal of enlightening the youth about diversity, I would actually prefer that it be tought everywhere because I am sure that in my home town there are plenty of young girls around the 13th that are experiencing the same things I did. Youth that are simply looking for a friendly hand to guide them with the process costing them so much.